Where are you?

I wander through this world
all alone
I have no time
to look by my side
to see, where is my mate

The day rushes past so fast
but the night confront's me
to my emptiness
I dread to go home

for it's a house and not really a home

Then I wonder, you too must feel the same
but then if you do
why haven't you found me yet?

I sip the cocoa and do the puzzles
hoping they'd make me go to sleep
when I can't figure it out.. I do
but if I solve it
I again keep solving

They told me it'd be tough
but this tough I never knew
this heart does not agree
to the men who have come forth

in neither do I find you
and they have started to say
I am too independent
time to clip my feathers
and put me in any cage

yet I know you are there
for I am made from you
If you hadn't been
I wouldn't be

So I bide my time
It is that I have not recognised you
even though you are right infront of me?

Therefore, it's my prayer...
Let me find you
for the nights are turning longer
and the puzzels, easier

Where are you?

A bird in a cage

We have become two strangers
living under the same roof
sharing the same blanket
but warmth has left us
and so has love

You come home,
put on the T.V.
eat the food I made
without a murmur
neither praise
nor critism
and go to bed
facing the wall

I wait for you whole day
yet when you come
you're not there
what is wrong i fail to understand

we were once so much in love
and waited to see each other
you looked forward to my cooking
got me flowers and chocolates
you told me i was your dream girl

and now
you say nothing at all
I talk to you
"Need to pay the electricity bill"
"O.K"
"I wanted to go out with Reena"
"Go"
"Shall we go for dinner with our friends"
"I'm tired"

Cold answers

Is it because now
I am yours
that I am no longer
enchanting
It is because a piece of paper
makes you my husband
that I am for granted?

I will wait
and watch
but one day
I will have had enough
Your big empty house
your fancy car
your credit card that you ask me to use
does not fulfil my need

I just need your love
which you have none to spare
I have become
a decorative piece next to you

I have a soul
that can't be caged
and fed
I need love
to blossom and dance

and when I know
I will never get it
I will silently open
the door of your cage
and fly away in own world out there

All the best... Dear friend

Times have gone by my friend
Laughing away our blues
fighting through the projects
submissions and deadlines
month long examinations
shorter than a week vacations

I think of School
and I think of You
You made the last two years memorable
You stood by my side
and never let me down

You always encouraged me
and got me through the difficult times
Very rare do people find such a friend
A friend like you!

Today your dream has come true
You have your dream job
and you are going to leave us
in a few days
your eyes shine with aspirations
your chest out with pride

We all share your joy with you
and wish you all the very best
a few years down the lane
who knows
we might need an appointment to just say hi

Now that was just a poor joke
Don't start getting any ideas
This heart is happy
Happy looking at your happiness
and this heart is heavy
thinking

a few more days...
and you shall be gone
no more will someone call me
"Come, The professor has arrived"
"We have an assingment to submit"
"I will give you a call and wake you up"
"We will complete this chapter"
"This is how it's done"
"You are my Guru"
"Come to college!"

And just so many tiny little things you did...

Thank you my friend
for these two wonderful years
I will cherish them
and I hope we can work together
again
soon.

InshaAllah.

Till that time, dost
Take care of yourself
and I pray for you
a very successful life ahead.

I will miss you!

Happy Birthday.. Dearest Mommy

Dearest Mummy,

This is the blessed day
God sent you to earth
to be my mom

this is the blessed day
you opened your eyes
and cried out to the world

here I am

this is the day
a strong woman was born
who was to have two daughters

look up and admire her
have her beauty
and have her grace

this is the day
when I get a chance
to remember you whole day

and have a prayer
that may you live
beyond me

that I may have you
by my side always
and have the comfort of your arms
the sweetness of your voice
the silkiness of your hair
the naughtiness of your eyes
the spring in your body
the courage of your heart
the strong will of yourself

and today is a day
I think back and say

Wow!
I have a mom
as wonderful as you

I love you my dearest mommy
Happy Birthday!

In search...

I can get through the day
but I can't through the intense night
I climb out of bed
stand, alone

not knowing where to go

If sleep comes, it comes late
after a lot of twists and turns
morning passes
but the heart has no inclination

to wake up to the morning rays

when eyes open they look around
wonder what they'd do now
reluctantly one gets up
again the harsh reality of the day light hits

and I stand there, alone

What is killing me I know not
but something is
of that I am sure

I wake up past the rays of morn
and night sees me late
till its almost dawn

life posses a question
compels you to think

and thought
fills the hours
fills the moments

I'm just not your segment

I cook and clean
the whole day
only to be told
I don't work

I stay awake
while my husband rests
rocking the baby
calming him to my best

they say I don't work
those women in high heels
they feel sad for me
confined to my home

they tap away on their laptops
think they are smart
they feel women should now STOP
being a mother or a doting wife

they say anybody can do
what I can do
I have no special skills
yet they complain

how hard it is to find
someone who can love
someone who is patient
someone who is sacrificing

isn't it obvious
who lacks the skills?
I don't judge them
so why do they?!

They choose a black coat
over a blue and yellow apron
they choose endless reports
while I chose endless nights

we are both women
in our right
we are both strong
in our heart

so don't look at me
and feel sad
in your words
I'm just not your segment

It's not my right to 'END'

I look at myself
in the mirror
I see in me
someone I don't like

Soon I'm hysterically laughing
ha ha ha HA HA HA
and slowly, ever so slowly
my laughter becomes gulps

gulps of tears
gulps of screams
gulps of desperation
as I tear my face and hair

I glance up and see the razor
why not?
Why not end it?
I reach out for it

like it's my only savior
I hold it above my wrist
'Do it! Do it!'
chants my sick mind

but damn the razor
it's shaking so badly
I slump on the floor
'What a looser, you can't even
kill yourself' my mind mocks

but I didn't do it
I didn't
for I remembered
there is my Lord

and I would never forsake Him
I will wait for my life to end
but I will never take it

I will bear my pain
the loss of my loved one
the nightmares of the dark

but I will never take my life
for it is not mine
to give
or to end

Thank you papa, for all the times...

Dear Father
You held me when
I still didn't know
you were my daddy

I don't know when
I called you daddy
I only know
that you adored me,

your baby

You got me toys
and books
you got me a doll
and lolly pop

You hated my friends
for we used to be a 'gang'
you told me always
"You're intelligent!"

You never doubted me
even though I doubted myself
You called me your 'Princess'
and treated me like a queen

as I grew you said you would freeze me
and put me in the showroom
At times you said
you will carry me around in a suitcase
feed me through the holes


I used to laugh and think 'he's mad'
only today I smile
to know I was loved like mad
by my darling papa

I love you my daddy
for all the moments in my life
all the moments when you scolded me
showed me the right path
all the moments when I scolded you
and told you to leave me alone

for all the moments you were patient with me
for all the times you still opened your arms
when I returned home, defeated and heart broken
for all the times...

For all the times

My tiny gift from God

I hold her in my arms
and look at her tiny face
she peeps open her eyes
I find my eyes go moist

I hold her close to my heart
and gently feel her cheek
she is so tiny
and so soft

she blinks
and so does my heart
I play with her fingers
she holds on to them

she doesn't speak yet
but her eyes
and her hands
tell me

she will my little doll
who will soon be walking
and talking
she will be my little monster
who will make me run
helther skelther

she will be my headache
and make me patrol her room
she will be my support
when I would least expect it

She will adore me
she will trouble me
she will hate me
she will love me

As I hold her close
I feel her heart beside mine

I look at her with wonder
for here I finally hold
my darling daughter

delicate as a flower
lovely as a rainbow
tiny as a sparrow
filling my world
with untold happiness

I'm Sorry

My dilemma hits me hard
Should I or Should I not
call you
to say 'Yes'

Everytime I take a step forward
My fears hold me back
You wait there patiently
your eyes encouraging me

You promise me not
days without hardships
or petty squabbles
or pillow fights

You promise me the one thing
I long for my life
friendship
companionship

I am tired of walking
the lanes of this life
alone

I am tired of sharing myself
with different people
only to start over
once again

Yes
I truly want to take your hand
and give you myself
and as I take the first step

I wake up from my dream
shaking with fear
with uncertainity

will I be a good wife?
will I make you happy?
May be one day
you will get up

and leave me

May be one day you will say
"You never did enough"
"You deserve more, go, you're free"
"Goodbye"

These thoughts haunt me
and I'm sorry
I'm sorry to say
they are more powerful

than your silent patient heart

If not love...

If not love,

then let there be madness

if not in company

then meet me in isolation

if not peace,

then let the torment be

if union is impossible,

then let the desire be.

Thank you My Lord

Today I realised
how much my Lord loves me
He has proetected me
from all the calamities

He gave me a mother
and a father
and how many times have
I taken them for granted?

He gave me a sister
to play with
who will first think of me
before herself

and how many times
have i walked passed her
unnoticed?

He gave me clothes
and food
and drink
He gave me chocolate
and ice creams

He gave me shoes to wear
and how many times
did I nag my mother
on how old they had become?

He gave me love
He gave me friendship
He gave me the Quran Shariff
to be my strenght and guide

He gave me little trials
A little exam to pass
A small task to perform
and how I failed them?

Today He showed me
the kind of trials He has given
my other brothers and sisters

Trials of hunger
Trials of death
Trials of poverty
Trials of subgugation

Today I can see
how dearly blessed I am
I beg for forgiveness
of all those times

that I was ungrateful
that I didn't notice
that I didn't realise
of the kindness of my Merciful Lord

Ahlam Thiama

A scent I love so
It fills my heart with joy
It's different
It's unique

two words that mean
all things dear to me

There is a scent I love
I travel across the Indian Ocean
to buy it from the swahili trader

how lucky he is to have it near
he leans on it and hardly notices
but that little bottle waits patiently

for it's mistress who will come one day
with gentle hands
unwind its cap
and apply its fragrance

on her soft supple hands

there is a scent I love so much
It's waiting for me in that island
many will buy it's brothers and sisters

but it shall be patient
waiting for me

My dear scent
made just for me

I have a dream

I have a dream
I'm scared of
It's huge and it's big
and I'm so small

Will I be able to reach it?
Will I be able to live it?
It's not easy
for then it would not be worth pursuing

I have a dream
I am scared of
for it drives me
makes me work

I have a dream
I am scared of
for it will mean
a lot of sacrifices

I have a dream
I am scared of
for it may lead me
to unknown roads

I have a dream
do you think
I will be able to complete
or wake up and shrug it off?

Never Again

Whether you come
and beg on your knees
I will close my heart
and turn my heel

You think of me
like an option to click
I'm a person
not a commodity to pick

At every point of time
since I met you
you treated me so
I smiled and forgave

and took all the pain
you are not to blame
see how I defend you
silly am- oh wait

you already know right?
I knew it was wrong
wrong wrong wrong
but as usual

I succumbed to my whims
now go away
leave me alone
I'm tired

truly tired this time
I have nothing for you
nothing you need anyways
then why do you even want

to know where I am
go go go
leave me in peace
for that's all I need

Peace

The little bird has fallen

I bow my head
sad at my plight
the jihad I want to win
I keep loosing

Today I went
and how I went
unprepared
The paper lay infront of me

doubts poured in
I had not done my practise
what is this or that
or what was it? I asked

I went then
to say I never did
make the report
only to told

Forget it
Didn't I try?
then why again
why again

do I keeping falling down
I don't want to fall
I want to fly
fly high, fly wide

yet, again
I fall down
I cry for I don't know how
this broken wing will mend

where will I get
those kind gentle words
where will I get
that strong warm arms

where will I get
those eyes that tell me
"You are going to make it"
"You will make it"

Oh how, I miss them two
I may have grown
but my heart remains small
I want to be held

and wrapped in warmth
I want to feel secure
and to feel loved
to see them both

to hear them both
mom and dad
my strength and courage
far away.. far far away

this tiny bird has fallen
and no one is there
to say 'get up
Its ok to fall'

Time to look ahead

Every time I turn to my side
I hope to find him
yet he has as always
never been there

This heart is so insane
despite all these
it still waits
for him to catch up

catch up for what?
to lag behind again?
I stand here with plenty of choices
with the hands of men

good and wonderful
offering me their companionship
promising me
a lasting friendship

I look at them
and wonder why
I still look behind
to see if he'll come by

He has never
and will he ever?
today I regret
giving the power over myself

to someone
as kind and gentle he may be
yet to give another
the right to hurt... hurts

It's a feeling one cannot control
for how can how control
their breathing?
or their heart beats?

Again I tell myself
It's time to stop
It's time to stop looking behind
and time

to look ahead

Along the path

I walked along a path
loving someone with my heart
I at times hoped to find
the same love in his heart

All those times I cried
for I realised it never did
and now I have stopped
for no longer can I walk

I have no reason to walk
for the love in my heart
has been killed
for I have been told

I have none at all

I walked along a path
never thinking of the gain
I gave and gave and gave
only to be told

I gave none at all

No hopes, no dreams I kept
even when a tiny light was lit
I ignored for I realised
it would be blown any time

like the many times
how many times
I do not know
and now

I have stopped
to count
this path is leading no where
apart from the occasional shocks

this path is not meant for me
this path does not take me
to where I want to be
this path is not my path

along the way I travelled
and now I check my map
my route is about to change.

My Best Friend

Along the path of life
I met a wonderful boy
The first time I saw him
I didn't glance a second time

he seemed to be a mere boy
studying in his 10th may be
then i asked him if he was from my place
he got all excited, "Oh yes, I am"

and that is how our friendship began
he talked of microbes and experiments
which i found an odd subject to talk on
to a stranger, yet he didnt seem like one at all

from there it began
we found out we had similiar views
and not so similiar one also
but a standing respect that held us together

days passed into months
and months into years
secrets
past reminences
future aspirations
we shared like little children

we enjoyed each other's company
and knew we would be friends for lifetime
we even decided to marry our children
without yet finding our own spouse

This heart always smiles when i think of him
he is such a dear
that he makes everyone laugh
in his own ways, he doesn't know how sweet he is

yes, along the way
I met my soul mate
and for him does this wise words
come alive and come true

"The most beautiful discovery
true friends make is that
they can grow separately
without growing apart"

Though miles apart
in my heart, thou shall never depart.
Keep smiling dear friend
for you are the most wonderful person, I have ever met.

Foes and Friends

Once again I find myself lost
on the many roads of this world
I told myself a million times
never would I falter from the right road

Yet at every turn I take
There stands the tempting thorns
How crazy am I to walk over them
and then cry over my bleeding feet

Will I never be perfect as I wish?
Do I really have to commit any sin
Does one have to kill someone to be bad?
Isn't just not doing your duty terrible enough?

Lost, Restless, Scared have become my friends
My enemies have become my friends
Would that I never went through this
but then how would I appreciate faith, courage and persistance

That is what I want
whom I want
so the next time a few words flow
they shall be for my friends and not enemies

Fear

The day starts with a fear
will I be good today or bad
I try to stop the tear
that makes the soul sad

Why a sudden loss of control
the determination drained almost
I wish there was a police patrol
that would monitor my lost

They say I have become old
to know what I ought to do
yet unknow to them i'm sold
to my impluses, restlessness and so

I know am not that bad
but I am not to my very best
It is that constant gap that i dread
for I see the expectations in the rest

The day starts with the fear so known
Will myself again be disowned?