I'm Sorry

My dilemma hits me hard
Should I or Should I not
call you
to say 'Yes'

Everytime I take a step forward
My fears hold me back
You wait there patiently
your eyes encouraging me

You promise me not
days without hardships
or petty squabbles
or pillow fights

You promise me the one thing
I long for my life
friendship
companionship

I am tired of walking
the lanes of this life
alone

I am tired of sharing myself
with different people
only to start over
once again

Yes
I truly want to take your hand
and give you myself
and as I take the first step

I wake up from my dream
shaking with fear
with uncertainity

will I be a good wife?
will I make you happy?
May be one day
you will get up

and leave me

May be one day you will say
"You never did enough"
"You deserve more, go, you're free"
"Goodbye"

These thoughts haunt me
and I'm sorry
I'm sorry to say
they are more powerful

than your silent patient heart

Never Again

Whether you come
and beg on your knees
I will close my heart
and turn my heel

You think of me
like an option to click
I'm a person
not a commodity to pick

At every point of time
since I met you
you treated me so
I smiled and forgave

and took all the pain
you are not to blame
see how I defend you
silly am- oh wait

you already know right?
I knew it was wrong
wrong wrong wrong
but as usual

I succumbed to my whims
now go away
leave me alone
I'm tired

truly tired this time
I have nothing for you
nothing you need anyways
then why do you even want

to know where I am
go go go
leave me in peace
for that's all I need

Peace

The little bird has fallen

I bow my head
sad at my plight
the jihad I want to win
I keep loosing

Today I went
and how I went
unprepared
The paper lay infront of me

doubts poured in
I had not done my practise
what is this or that
or what was it? I asked

I went then
to say I never did
make the report
only to told

Forget it
Didn't I try?
then why again
why again

do I keeping falling down
I don't want to fall
I want to fly
fly high, fly wide

yet, again
I fall down
I cry for I don't know how
this broken wing will mend

where will I get
those kind gentle words
where will I get
that strong warm arms

where will I get
those eyes that tell me
"You are going to make it"
"You will make it"

Oh how, I miss them two
I may have grown
but my heart remains small
I want to be held

and wrapped in warmth
I want to feel secure
and to feel loved
to see them both

to hear them both
mom and dad
my strength and courage
far away.. far far away

this tiny bird has fallen
and no one is there
to say 'get up
Its ok to fall'

Time to look ahead

Every time I turn to my side
I hope to find him
yet he has as always
never been there

This heart is so insane
despite all these
it still waits
for him to catch up

catch up for what?
to lag behind again?
I stand here with plenty of choices
with the hands of men

good and wonderful
offering me their companionship
promising me
a lasting friendship

I look at them
and wonder why
I still look behind
to see if he'll come by

He has never
and will he ever?
today I regret
giving the power over myself

to someone
as kind and gentle he may be
yet to give another
the right to hurt... hurts

It's a feeling one cannot control
for how can how control
their breathing?
or their heart beats?

Again I tell myself
It's time to stop
It's time to stop looking behind
and time

to look ahead