New York, New York my heart sings

New york, New york my heart sings
as I crave for the city that is
What a colorful history
What an enchanting city

I do feel like coming back to you
read about you, know about you
work within you
stay with you, live with you

Yes indeed I am enchanted
with the land of migrants
of hats and gowns of the past
and the garden of present

O Ramzan

O Ramzan O Ramzan
O the holy month of Allah
please don't go away
please don't go away

It's in you that I find peace
It's in you that I am truly happy
thirst and hunger matters not
for Rememberance of my Lord is foremost

O dear month of all
You come bringing mercy, forgiveness and freedom from Hell
You come bringing good news and delight
O dear month, please don't go

We sleep away, we don't make the most of your days
but we love you and we want you
It's when you are here
that we open our purses and help the poor

It's when you are here that we are kind and generous
we read the Holy Book of God
We praise His name Morn and Evening
We become good and avoid evil

Don't we want to be like that always?
Don't we want the doors of heaven open always?
Don't we want the favour of our Lord always?
Then why do you pass my us in just 30 days?

O Ramzan, O the holy month
Make us victorious
Make us joyous
I know you have to leave once day

But we pray,
that we be alive next year,
to be with you again
and to say

O Ramzan O Ramzan
O the holy month of God
We welcome you
We welcome you again :)

My dear husband

I see my husband
I see happiness
I hug him close
and plant an affectionate kiss on his cheek

He looks up to me
a look that says
you have lite my world
with a thousand bright lights

I splash water at him
even run away from him
he runs after me
and we end up laughing

where... I cannot tell

I look at my husband
and really ask myself
"Is he really mine?"
"Is this a dream?"

and when at times we disagree
and have our famous altercations
I realise
yes,

He is truly mine
to hold and to love
to punch and to dodge
to be filled with an emotion so great
that a word is yet to define

but he fills up all my veins
and this feeling
I can never describe...

Caught in my own trap

I am at crossroads
I am trapped in my own game
I said x to some
now I have to say y to others

yet when they all come together
they shall come to know
both x and y version
of my life

I have dug up this grave
now I have to lie in it
I thought I would get away with it
but now I have to face it

So many people
So many different things
What is it that I believe
should I come out in the open and spill

I am just frustrated with this situation
trying to make one party happy
while the other suffers
yet I am not sure who is more important to me

This society and man made laws
Its people and their various notions
All so crazy and all so dawdy
To hell with them all

I will do what I feel right!

the problem is....

I don't know what is right

I wonder why?

I wonder why
I married you
I wonder why
I actually married you

what is the security I felt
in our friendship
or what is the fear
of a traditionally unhappy marriage

what is that I wanted to do what I wanted to do
and I knew you would let me do
what I wanted to do

or what is that I really liked you
and may be even loved you
or may be respected you

or what is the opposite?
that you liked me
and fact be known
I liked you liking me.

and may be if not today
a day will come when
I will find myself
liking you...

I am

I am
what I am
and what I am
at times I wish were not I am

I loose my temper
and tell the other
how dare you speak to me this way
yet for a stranger

it does not matter who is right or wrong
but the one who is mad
red and hot
is the one who is senseless

I am becomes senseless
and that is not what I am should be
so I am become quite
and people ask me

am I angry
while I am silent
to make me even more angry
and I feel like resorting

Can't you see I am quite
then why are you asking me if I am angry!
oh how much patience it takes to control
my anger

I feel like bursting into tears
just leave me alone
all of you
let me be alone

and let me be at peace

Is it me?
Is it I who can't handle anger
or am I justified to say
that the people around me
make accusations at me
snide remarkds
sacarsism

am I not rightfully right
to become angry?
and then I dislike these people
yet they are related to me

so unfortunately
I can't give a cold shoulder
I have to live with them
under the same roof
and bear their 'Are you angry'
while I am quite and indifferent to them

I am right now
troubled
and harrassed
emotionally

one by who chooses to ignore me
second by who accuses me for her carelessness
third by my indifference to what people expect from me

and so I choose
to be quite
and I choose not to talk
and not to meet
so that i do not confront
people whom I have hurt
or who have hurt me

and who think
I am
a looser, a liability and a hot head filled with hot air
who can't see any sense
and takes things too sensitively

well
I am can become
you don't have to bother what I am
I am is independent and can be any day
you don't need to talk to my head
or listen to what I air
no opportunity for you to reason with me
and no contact with your character to make me sensitive

as much as I would like that
I am afraid it cant be
I guess I have to bear their attitudes
like I said
Unfortunately,
they are related to me.

Just one ray

My clothes are tattered
my hair disheveled
I drag myself ahead
my back bent
and head down with shame

I failed
I failed
I told myself I would never falter again
yet again...

my clothes are covered
with the filth of my sins
my life i feel
is sold to the devil

wounds gushing everywhere
i feel the pain
i want to straighten
yet i do not have the strength

how did i become like this
why did i become like this
am i really so weak
that i cannot control my own destiny?

life moves on
and as i look ahead
i see the dark clouds
the menacing lighting
and the thundering thunder

and i am so desperately
trying to find that ray of sunshine
that will let me know
i will be OK

i will repent
and i will be forgiven
and i will do good once again
and atone my sins...

Once a upon a time...

Once upon a time
there was a little girl
she was fair and beautiful
with soft black tendrils

she was loved by her daddy
and she looked up to him
"You're smart and intelligent"
he would tell her always

she grew up thinking so
and at every point
her daddy urged her on

since she was five
she had only one dream
some blue eyed smiling boy
would come and hold her hand

she would be happily married
with children around her
a few pets
and a nice little garden

but her daddy said no
he said you can't trust any colored eyes
"You have to be strong
on your own two feet
you should never be
at the mercy of anyone else"

along the way
many boys came
they saw her beauty
elegance and grace

they bent on their knees
and asked her for her hand
her heart grew happy
and turned to her dad

"No"
He would say
"He is not the right one"
sad and dejected, she'd say goodbye

"Daddy Daddy look, there's a boy
he wants to be my friend
all life long"

"No"
He would say
"You have to first be on your feet
and march on, shoulders square
and take on the world"

and so...

the little girl
marched on
through seasons
and through reasons

then one day
her daddy commando was no more
she stood on her heels
waiting for her command

"March!"
but none came
and then the fog lifted
and she saw

she saw that she was all alone
on an empty long road
no was she a little girl
but an old lonely woman

leaning on her only companion
her walking stick

Where are you?

I wander through this world
all alone
I have no time
to look by my side
to see, where is my mate

The day rushes past so fast
but the night confront's me
to my emptiness
I dread to go home

for it's a house and not really a home

Then I wonder, you too must feel the same
but then if you do
why haven't you found me yet?

I sip the cocoa and do the puzzles
hoping they'd make me go to sleep
when I can't figure it out.. I do
but if I solve it
I again keep solving

They told me it'd be tough
but this tough I never knew
this heart does not agree
to the men who have come forth

in neither do I find you
and they have started to say
I am too independent
time to clip my feathers
and put me in any cage

yet I know you are there
for I am made from you
If you hadn't been
I wouldn't be

So I bide my time
It is that I have not recognised you
even though you are right infront of me?

Therefore, it's my prayer...
Let me find you
for the nights are turning longer
and the puzzels, easier

Where are you?

A bird in a cage

We have become two strangers
living under the same roof
sharing the same blanket
but warmth has left us
and so has love

You come home,
put on the T.V.
eat the food I made
without a murmur
neither praise
nor critism
and go to bed
facing the wall

I wait for you whole day
yet when you come
you're not there
what is wrong i fail to understand

we were once so much in love
and waited to see each other
you looked forward to my cooking
got me flowers and chocolates
you told me i was your dream girl

and now
you say nothing at all
I talk to you
"Need to pay the electricity bill"
"O.K"
"I wanted to go out with Reena"
"Go"
"Shall we go for dinner with our friends"
"I'm tired"

Cold answers

Is it because now
I am yours
that I am no longer
enchanting
It is because a piece of paper
makes you my husband
that I am for granted?

I will wait
and watch
but one day
I will have had enough
Your big empty house
your fancy car
your credit card that you ask me to use
does not fulfil my need

I just need your love
which you have none to spare
I have become
a decorative piece next to you

I have a soul
that can't be caged
and fed
I need love
to blossom and dance

and when I know
I will never get it
I will silently open
the door of your cage
and fly away in own world out there

All the best... Dear friend

Times have gone by my friend
Laughing away our blues
fighting through the projects
submissions and deadlines
month long examinations
shorter than a week vacations

I think of School
and I think of You
You made the last two years memorable
You stood by my side
and never let me down

You always encouraged me
and got me through the difficult times
Very rare do people find such a friend
A friend like you!

Today your dream has come true
You have your dream job
and you are going to leave us
in a few days
your eyes shine with aspirations
your chest out with pride

We all share your joy with you
and wish you all the very best
a few years down the lane
who knows
we might need an appointment to just say hi

Now that was just a poor joke
Don't start getting any ideas
This heart is happy
Happy looking at your happiness
and this heart is heavy
thinking

a few more days...
and you shall be gone
no more will someone call me
"Come, The professor has arrived"
"We have an assingment to submit"
"I will give you a call and wake you up"
"We will complete this chapter"
"This is how it's done"
"You are my Guru"
"Come to college!"

And just so many tiny little things you did...

Thank you my friend
for these two wonderful years
I will cherish them
and I hope we can work together
again
soon.

InshaAllah.

Till that time, dost
Take care of yourself
and I pray for you
a very successful life ahead.

I will miss you!

Happy Birthday.. Dearest Mommy

Dearest Mummy,

This is the blessed day
God sent you to earth
to be my mom

this is the blessed day
you opened your eyes
and cried out to the world

here I am

this is the day
a strong woman was born
who was to have two daughters

look up and admire her
have her beauty
and have her grace

this is the day
when I get a chance
to remember you whole day

and have a prayer
that may you live
beyond me

that I may have you
by my side always
and have the comfort of your arms
the sweetness of your voice
the silkiness of your hair
the naughtiness of your eyes
the spring in your body
the courage of your heart
the strong will of yourself

and today is a day
I think back and say

Wow!
I have a mom
as wonderful as you

I love you my dearest mommy
Happy Birthday!

In search...

I can get through the day
but I can't through the intense night
I climb out of bed
stand, alone

not knowing where to go

If sleep comes, it comes late
after a lot of twists and turns
morning passes
but the heart has no inclination

to wake up to the morning rays

when eyes open they look around
wonder what they'd do now
reluctantly one gets up
again the harsh reality of the day light hits

and I stand there, alone

What is killing me I know not
but something is
of that I am sure

I wake up past the rays of morn
and night sees me late
till its almost dawn

life posses a question
compels you to think

and thought
fills the hours
fills the moments

I'm just not your segment

I cook and clean
the whole day
only to be told
I don't work

I stay awake
while my husband rests
rocking the baby
calming him to my best

they say I don't work
those women in high heels
they feel sad for me
confined to my home

they tap away on their laptops
think they are smart
they feel women should now STOP
being a mother or a doting wife

they say anybody can do
what I can do
I have no special skills
yet they complain

how hard it is to find
someone who can love
someone who is patient
someone who is sacrificing

isn't it obvious
who lacks the skills?
I don't judge them
so why do they?!

They choose a black coat
over a blue and yellow apron
they choose endless reports
while I chose endless nights

we are both women
in our right
we are both strong
in our heart

so don't look at me
and feel sad
in your words
I'm just not your segment

It's not my right to 'END'

I look at myself
in the mirror
I see in me
someone I don't like

Soon I'm hysterically laughing
ha ha ha HA HA HA
and slowly, ever so slowly
my laughter becomes gulps

gulps of tears
gulps of screams
gulps of desperation
as I tear my face and hair

I glance up and see the razor
why not?
Why not end it?
I reach out for it

like it's my only savior
I hold it above my wrist
'Do it! Do it!'
chants my sick mind

but damn the razor
it's shaking so badly
I slump on the floor
'What a looser, you can't even
kill yourself' my mind mocks

but I didn't do it
I didn't
for I remembered
there is my Lord

and I would never forsake Him
I will wait for my life to end
but I will never take it

I will bear my pain
the loss of my loved one
the nightmares of the dark

but I will never take my life
for it is not mine
to give
or to end

Thank you papa, for all the times...

Dear Father
You held me when
I still didn't know
you were my daddy

I don't know when
I called you daddy
I only know
that you adored me,

your baby

You got me toys
and books
you got me a doll
and lolly pop

You hated my friends
for we used to be a 'gang'
you told me always
"You're intelligent!"

You never doubted me
even though I doubted myself
You called me your 'Princess'
and treated me like a queen

as I grew you said you would freeze me
and put me in the showroom
At times you said
you will carry me around in a suitcase
feed me through the holes


I used to laugh and think 'he's mad'
only today I smile
to know I was loved like mad
by my darling papa

I love you my daddy
for all the moments in my life
all the moments when you scolded me
showed me the right path
all the moments when I scolded you
and told you to leave me alone

for all the moments you were patient with me
for all the times you still opened your arms
when I returned home, defeated and heart broken
for all the times...

For all the times

My tiny gift from God

I hold her in my arms
and look at her tiny face
she peeps open her eyes
I find my eyes go moist

I hold her close to my heart
and gently feel her cheek
she is so tiny
and so soft

she blinks
and so does my heart
I play with her fingers
she holds on to them

she doesn't speak yet
but her eyes
and her hands
tell me

she will my little doll
who will soon be walking
and talking
she will be my little monster
who will make me run
helther skelther

she will be my headache
and make me patrol her room
she will be my support
when I would least expect it

She will adore me
she will trouble me
she will hate me
she will love me

As I hold her close
I feel her heart beside mine

I look at her with wonder
for here I finally hold
my darling daughter

delicate as a flower
lovely as a rainbow
tiny as a sparrow
filling my world
with untold happiness

I'm Sorry

My dilemma hits me hard
Should I or Should I not
call you
to say 'Yes'

Everytime I take a step forward
My fears hold me back
You wait there patiently
your eyes encouraging me

You promise me not
days without hardships
or petty squabbles
or pillow fights

You promise me the one thing
I long for my life
friendship
companionship

I am tired of walking
the lanes of this life
alone

I am tired of sharing myself
with different people
only to start over
once again

Yes
I truly want to take your hand
and give you myself
and as I take the first step

I wake up from my dream
shaking with fear
with uncertainity

will I be a good wife?
will I make you happy?
May be one day
you will get up

and leave me

May be one day you will say
"You never did enough"
"You deserve more, go, you're free"
"Goodbye"

These thoughts haunt me
and I'm sorry
I'm sorry to say
they are more powerful

than your silent patient heart

If not love...

If not love,

then let there be madness

if not in company

then meet me in isolation

if not peace,

then let the torment be

if union is impossible,

then let the desire be.

Thank you My Lord

Today I realised
how much my Lord loves me
He has proetected me
from all the calamities

He gave me a mother
and a father
and how many times have
I taken them for granted?

He gave me a sister
to play with
who will first think of me
before herself

and how many times
have i walked passed her
unnoticed?

He gave me clothes
and food
and drink
He gave me chocolate
and ice creams

He gave me shoes to wear
and how many times
did I nag my mother
on how old they had become?

He gave me love
He gave me friendship
He gave me the Quran Shariff
to be my strenght and guide

He gave me little trials
A little exam to pass
A small task to perform
and how I failed them?

Today He showed me
the kind of trials He has given
my other brothers and sisters

Trials of hunger
Trials of death
Trials of poverty
Trials of subgugation

Today I can see
how dearly blessed I am
I beg for forgiveness
of all those times

that I was ungrateful
that I didn't notice
that I didn't realise
of the kindness of my Merciful Lord